


losing the will

by notsylvia



Series: to all the countries i've loved before [4]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Angst?, Death, F/M, Honestly?, I love Death, Suicide, and crying, because this could've been my friends, but that's too personal lol, haha i feel like dying, heather can fuck herself lol, heathers are bitches, i feel bad for alfred, i lowkey cried, i'm such a depressing person wtf, someone dies again, trigger warning, yay!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 19:36:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16165568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsylvia/pseuds/notsylvia
Summary: " "really, (name)? you overslept?" he mumbled to himself. "wake up, (name)! wakey wakey!" he yelled, watching her. a minute passed, and alfred began panicking again. he realised that her body wasn't moving at all, and the bottle of pills on her nightstand was empty."[trigger warning ; suicide, depression ; read with caution!]





	losing the will

_as the world in front of me melts, and fades away,_  
_i only have one thing to say,_  
_these miracles flooding me won't make it go away._  
_because i can still hear your voice, calling out my name._

~

"(name)?" alfred called out as he pounded against her room door. "oh my god, (name)! respond to me dammit!" he cried out, getting increasingly worried and concerned for his friend. 

"fuck it," he grunted as he decided to just break the door down, far too impatient and anxious to care more about (name)'s privacy. he kicked the door of its hinges, to see (name)'s body laying on the bed, looking like she was taking a peaceful sleep. 

"really, (name)? you overslept?" he mumbled to himself. "wake up, (name)! wakey wakey!" he yelled, watching her. a minute passed, and alfred began panicking again. he realised that her body wasn't moving at all, and the bottle of pills on her nightstand was empty. 

"oh my god!" he shrieked again, rushing to her bedside and violently shaking her. "oh god...(name)! please tell me this is all just a dream, a very very bad dream...!" he lifted her up from the bed and ran to the nearest hospital, hoping to god that she hadn't done what he thinks she did. 

~

school ended early and everyone was dismissed from the hall after the headmaster announced (name)'s death. the atmosphere was gloomy and tense. alfred felt remorseful and guilty, as though it was his fault. if only he'd told her about her feelings a little earlier. if only he'd see the signs earlier. if only... 

"alfred!" a shrilly high-pitched voice called, causing his head to turn towards the voice, seeing heather christian, one of the school's princesses and, unlike her name would suggest, she is anything but christian. 

(name) always seemed to cower behind him when she came close to the pair and she'd excuse herself whenever heather would strike up a conversation with alfred. he never quite could put his finger on why, but he assumed that (name)'s letter will explain it. 

"what?" he snapped in a low voice, not in the mood to talk to anyone and just wanting to run home and cry. 

"i was just thinking," heather spoke. "maybe we should go to the cafe after school and have a little date?" 

did she just...? alfred's blood boiled. just who does heather think she is? asking him out as if his best friend/secret crush didn't just _die._

"heather," he growled out. "i'm not in the mood for this." 

"what? why not?" she whined, unhappy and upset. 

"in case you didn't already know, (name) just died. so don't act like everything's fine. leave me alone," he answered, turning away from her and walking towards the exit of the school. heather stood at her position, too stunned to speak and was just flabbergasted. 

~

it was raining beyond these walls of alfred's house as he toyed with the envelop addressed to him in his hands. it was (name)'s and her sister had passed it to alfred during her funeral, saying that (name) would probably loved it if he read it as soon as possible. 

one part of him wanted to read it now, while the other refused, afraid of his fears coming true and afraid that he'll feel worse than he already is.

in that moment, he decided that he wanted read it no matter how it was going to make him feel so he slowly and gently peeled off the flap on the envelop, pulling out the folded piece of paper that sat within the envelop. 

he slowly opened it. 

_hi alfred!_

_that's probably not the best way to start something like this huh? i'm guessing if you're reading this, that means i'm dead. are you crying? i'm thinking that maybe you are crying._ _don't cry! you hate it when i cry so i would have to say the same for you!_

_thank you for being my best friend for so long. thank you for not getting mad for me like i thought you would when i told you about me skipping my meals. thank you for putting up with me for so long. it's impossible to say that i didn't develop deeper feelings for you over so many years..._

_i love you, these three words i don't seem to be able to say. when i make up my mind to tell you, the words just seep out from my vocabulary as though i never knew those words when i see you. i'm sure you won't feel the same, after all, you are a popular guy while i'm just the extra that no one wants._

_i don't know why you even became friends with me, heather christian always told me that i wasn't worthy of love and that you were only pitying me, that's why you became friends with me. but that can't be true right? she also said that you didn't deserve me. that you're too good for me. and i honestly agree._

_i'm sorry for always sticking by you. i'm sorry for constantly pestering you. i'm sorry for being so pathetic. i'm sorry for causing you so much distress. thank you, i'm sorry and i love you._

_love,  
(name)_

alfred cupped his hand onto his mouth as he read through the letter, crying into his hand. 

all this time he thought that he was the one who was annoying her with his boisterous nature, that she was the one who was too good for him, that he was the only one who had feelings for her, and that she hated him.

his body started shaking as sobs racked through his body. "i...i'm s...so...sorry..." he managed to gasp out in between tears. "i...i co...could...could've sa...saved y...you..." 

~epilogue~

"so little ashley just learnt how to walk! isn't that great, (name)?" he asked, placing red roses on her headstone. "i know being a single dad is going to be hard, but what can i do? i'll just raise little ashley all on my own like a hero would!" he beamed happily. 

"you know, if you were here, it would make me feel just a little bit better..." he mumbled, eyes staring sadly at the wording on her stone. 

 _"i'm here."_ he seemed to hear (name)'s soft voice echoing. smiling softly, he said, "of course you are, you're always here when i need it."

he stood up and walked towards the exit of the graveyard. "see you soon, (name)!" he greeted, waving back at the headstone. 

that day the breeze seemed to carry a soft song along with it.

~

_hey, is it alright if i keep calling out your name?_


End file.
